


Blood, Sweat, and Tears (The Weight of All Your Expectations)

by bzarcher



Series: The Things We Always Carried [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Adopted Child, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Anxiety, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Family Issues, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Lex Was A Good Brother Until He Wasn't, Lillian Isn't A Nice Person, Panic Attacks, Surprisingly S2 Compliant Until It Isn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 13:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10854897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bzarcher/pseuds/bzarcher
Summary: Lena grew up hearing about all the things a Luthor 'should' be.She was never terribly good at any of them.





	Blood, Sweat, and Tears (The Weight of All Your Expectations)

Despite the grief that had overwhelmed her after the death of her mother, Lena had thought she had walked into a fairy tale the day Lionel Luthor had come to take her home.

Power. Servants. Prestige. Wealth. A room full of toys and _books_ and dresses and the kitchen in the mansion’s basement had an _entire freezer_ just for ice cream.

“You’re a Luthor now,” Lionel had smiled at her as she sat in one of the giant leather covered chairs in his office, her feet dangling down off the edge. (Lena still remembered that office. Still remembered the smell of his cigars and the little smile he had just for her when he caught her sneaking in so she could watch him work. Not because she cared about the business back then, but because she wanted to feel like she belonged _somewhere_.) “We do things differently than most people.”

She hadn’t really understood what he meant, then.

That chair was the only piece of furniture she took from the mansion after she inherited the estate.

It sits in her apartment, big and overstuffed and clashing with everything else, and she sits in it as she tries to work through the prospectus she needs to present to the board. To spin the rebranding of L-Corp as making a positive step - to separate themselves from a toxic identity and take a dynamic leap into the future.

( _T_ _o make it look like you aren’t running away_ , Lillian’s voice sneers in her head, and she feels her heart clench.)

( _A Luthor never lets anyone see them sweat_ , Lionel advises, and her gut twists.)

She closes her eyes and leans back in the chair, trying to lose herself in the smells of old tobacco and worn leather. Taking what little comfort she can as she tries to pull on the mask of perfection she's worked so hard to craft despite the millions of little flaws just beneath the surface.

( _As long as you stick to your plan,_ Lex had assured her once, _what other people think doesn’t matter._ _We lead - and they’ll follow. Soon enough they’ll think it’s what they wanted all along. That’s what being a Luthor is about.)_

The words should be comforting, but the thought of Lex - of her _brother_ \- just adds to her anxiety.

How did she reconcile the brother she loved, who had taken time away from all his responsibilities to cheer her up after a bad breakup by flying her to Hawaii to go surfing, with the monster who had drenched his hands in blood? The man serving _37 life sentences_ for the death and destruction he’d caused?

She tried over and over again, and failed. Even for a Luthor - for a ‘genius’ (not that she’s a real Luthor. Not that she’s a real genius or she’d have cracked Biomax before her life was thrown into this chaos) - there are some leaps of logic that are simply too far.

So she tries to listen to the brother she loved, and not the monster he became. To take comfort from his advice, not dread his legacy.

Her chest is burning and everything feels too tight. She knows what’s happening but she can’t stop it by herself. ( _Disgraceful.)_

She opens her eyes and despite her trembling fingers she reaches for the bottle of Xanax she hides in her purse. _(Weakness.)_

She crushes the pill between her teeth instead of swallowing it. _(A crutch.)_

She holds her hands together so they will not shake. ( _If he had a trying day, your father would just have a **Scotch**_ , _Lena.)_

She lets herself have a few moments of misery, of loneliness, of _fear_ , and tries to own them.

She tries to let them wash out of her and fall away as her heart tries to beat again.

She takes a deep breath and focuses on the way her lungs expand and contract.

When the iron bands around her chest finally slip away, she picks up the laptop and bends to her work again.

She’ll put the mask on again tomorrow, flawed as it is, and appear to be everything she isn’t.

She’ll set her course and make them think it’s the right one.

She will lead...and maybe, just maybe, they’ll follow.

* * *

Lena was 11 when she tried to run away.

She’d been chased from class by the kids who had somehow figured out she was adopted - that she wasn’t really a Luthor - that she was a _fake_. Teased and taunted and chased by whispers until she slipped out of the back of the classroom when Mrs. Beall was too focused on the blackboard to notice. Hid in the playground equipment and snuck in to get her bag and coat before the driver was there to pick her up from school.

Lillian had gotten a call from the school. She sat in a chair in the mansion’s front room, cold and perfect, like a marble sculpture.

“I’m not sure what’s more disappointing, _dear_. The fact that you saw fit to leave school because of such...trivial things...or that you really let _those people_ push you out. You’re a Luthor, Lena. We don’t allow anyone to see us bleed.”

( _A_ _real_ _Luthor would know this,_ Lillian’s gaze makes perfectly clear.)

Lena honestly wasn’t sure if she was told to stay in her room for the rest of the day as punishment for leaving school, or because she had started to cry again.

Getting out of her room wasn’t that hard. Sneaking around the house staff was easy - they hardly ever noticed her anyway.

She had put clothes and her favorite books in her backpack. She left the rest.

She felt like she’d been walking forever when she had stopped at a Big Belly Burger - she’d had to use the bathroom and nobody would notice another kid in there, right? She was proud of herself for being clever - even if she didn’t really know where she was going.

When she left the bathroom and saw Lex sitting in a booth, her heart sank.

He smiled and gestured to the Little Belly kids meal bag next to him.

“Mom doesn’t know,” he’d explained after she got up in the booth with him, “and I won’t tell Dad either. Got you a milkshake.”

“Chocolate?”

“Yup.” Lex waited for her to eat (she _was_ pretty hungry) before he said much else. “I heard a bit about what happened. I’m sorry the other kids were so mean.”

Lena stared down into the waxed paper cup of her shake. “Adults are mean too.”

Lex nodded. “Sometimes. I heard mom was pretty harsh with you.”

“She said...I shouldn’t let people see me bleed. Because I’m not a real Luthor.”

Lex’s face darkened with anger, but she knew it wasn’t for her. “You’re a real Luthor, Lena. Dad loves you. I love you. You’re my sister - that’s real enough for me.”

She was glad Lex hadn’t mentioned Lillian. It helped.

“The thing about not letting people see you bleed...mom isn’t wrong...but she isn’t right, either.” Lex stole a fry from the pile she’d put on her burger’s wrapper. “You don’t let the people who hurt you see that. Doesn’t matter if they’re kids or adults - you just grit your teeth and gut it out.” His hand came out to rest on hers, and Lena looked up into green eyes that were almost - not quite, but almost - the same shade as hers. (Maybe just close enough.)

“You bleed when you’re with the people who care about you,” Lex explained softly, “you bleed around the people who can make it better. You dress the wounds, you get a little stronger, and you don’t let people hurt you the same way twice.” He smiled, and for the first time Lena felt like she could smile back. “You’re gonna get stronger, OK? You already started - did you know you walked almost four miles to get here?”

Lena shook her head.

“Pretty tough walk,” Lex observed thoughtfully, “but I bet you’d be able to do it again if you wanted.”

“...can I get a ride home, instead?”

Lex smiled. “I think I can arrange that.”

Three weeks later Lena found out she would be going to boarding school the next fall.

“It will give you a chance to really focus on your studies,” Lillian had explained.

The first day at the boarding school, there was a letter waiting for her with a postmark from Metropolis.

There was a $100 Big Belly Burgers gift card inside, and a note: _There’s a store two miles away. -Lex_

* * *

When she had learned Lex had hired John Corben, she hadn’t let the mercenary know how much he’d rattled her.

_I must be a real Luthor after all, if Lex would kill me for ‘betraying the name.’_

She’d retreated to her apartment, after all the police reports and the brief visit to the EMTs were finished.

She didn’t let anyone see her bleed. After all - who cared about her now?

When Kara Danvers came back to her office with donuts and a kind word, she almost admitted how much she was hurting.

She couldn’t help but smile at the way the reporter tripped over her words around her. She admired the way Kara looked for the best in everyone - even her.

(Maybe especially her.)

When Kara said she believed in her...maybe someone did care about her, after all.

Lena never expected Supergirl to be on that list, too.

( _Be your own hero, Lena.)_

Supergirl had been so…( _beautiful) ..._ sincere. She’d said it - meant it - in a way her ‘cousin’ certainly hadn’t, when she’d spoken to him.

So she’d taken the Super’s words to heart, in her own way...and if being a liar and a villain had helped her to do _something_ good...well. That was being a hero, she supposed, even if it wasn’t what Supergirl had probably expected her to do.

After she’d watched Lillian lead away in handcuffs, she’d ended up in her office.

She hadn’t wanted to go back to her apartment, and the job of finding and removing the rest of Lillian’s cronies from L-Corp was going to take weeks - maybe months. Best to get started now.

Except she hadn’t.

She was sitting at her desk, staring at the highball glass she’d filled with two fingers of Scotch, and wondered if she wanted to drink to celebrate a victory, or to mourn any hope of having a family again.

The tapping at her office window had made her jump. Supergirl, looking in the window with concern, an unspoken question in her eyes: _Can I come in?_

It takes her a moment to react, but Lena nods before she knows why she’s doing it, and a heartbeat later Supergirl is sitting down at the chair across from her, just like Kara does when she visits.

“Someone once told me it’s not good for you to drink alone.”

Lena had to concede the point. “No, I suppose it isn’t.”

“I was going to be leaving to deal with something,” Supergirl explained, “and I was thinking that I didn’t...actually thank you for what you did. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for you. I happened to notice you were in your office and…” She shrugged. “I thought I should say something.”

Lena shrugged. “If anything I should apologize to you.” She reached out to run a finger along the mouth of the glass - not letting herself pick it up, but feeling the cool, rounded surface beneath her fingertip. “I called you a liar - and worse - when you came to warn me about my...about Lillian. I was wrong, and I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did.”

Supergirl’s eyes held nothing but sympathy. “She’s still your mother. It’s OK to call her that, Lena...and it’s OK to be hurt.”

She doesn’t know why those words make something break inside of her, but the tears start and her chest clenches and she _knows_ it isn’t a panic attack this time but she doesn’t know _why._

Why does it hurt? Why does she care about the look Lillian had given her? About the pain of betrayal in her eyes? Why should she care about that murderous, frigid, arrogant…

( _Mother.)_

Supergirl’s arms wrap around her ( _warmer than human body temperature, but not in a painful way),_ and she says something in a soothing tone of voice, but Lena isn’t honestly sure if it was in English or Kryptonian. (Kryptonese? She ought to ask what her native language is called. Lex probably had notes on the language somewhere, filed away in a dusty corner of some server or another.)

When she feels as if, perhaps, she’s cried herself out for a while, she looks up with tears still caught in her eyelashes, and when she looks into those bright blue eyes, so filled with concern, it’s _just_ like the way Kara always looks at her, and…

_Oh._

So many things suddenly click together, puzzle pieces she hadn’t even realized she had been collecting since she’d arrived in National City...and she knows it’s not the time to do anything with the solution.

“You...you said you had somewhere to go. Something you had to help with.”

Supergirl ( _Kara, that’s Kara, that’s KARA)_ smiles so sweetly and sadly. “I do. It’s a thing. Out of town. Way, way out of town... But I can be here for a little while longer.”

She looks at the glass of Scotch and it’s the last thing she needs. “I think you have a point about drinking alone...and it’s not a good idea for me, tonight, regardless. Could you…?”

“Of course.”

Before she can blink her eyes, the glass is empty. No sign it was ever filled.

 _"Thank you_ ,” she whispers, and for just a little while longer, she lets Kara see her bleed.

* * *

Somehow the knowledge that she was - that she _is_ \- Lionel’s biological daughter made things worse, not better.

Any time she failed to live up to ‘the legacy’ - that she took a new path - she could justify it by claiming she was never a true heir to the Luthor clan in the first place. That she was a foundling, with greatness thrust upon her, and that any mistakes and missteps were hers, and hers alone.

Now the weight of everything the Luthor name represented felt as if it could crush her, and there was far too little relief.

_Except that you don’t have to bear it alone._

Kara’s latest article was still on her desk where she’d left it.

She smiles as she picks up the phone.

“Jess? Could you please get me in touch with the florist we used for the last Gala?”

Kara looked so flustered ( _adorable)_ and surprised ( _god, she’s beautiful)_ when she came by that Lena wanted to giggle. ( _Luthors probably aren’t supposed to giggle. I’m sure Lillian would have an opinion about that, too.)_

She smiles as Kara tries to downplay how much she’s done, and shakes her head. Puts her hand on Kara’s knee and hopes she understands just what she’s trying to say.

“Supergirl may have saved me, but Kara Danvers, _you_ are my hero.”

_(I know, Kara. I know, and you are so much more than that symbol or that suit.) _

Her eyes go wide and if Kara leaned any closer Lena was going to just kiss her to see what happened.

( _A Luthor probably isn’t supposed to be bisexual either. To say nothing of falling for an alien.)_

Lena can’t help the pang of want that passes through her when Kara made her apologies about getting back to CatCo.

She wants to say something, but she hesitates just a moment too long...and the chance is lost.

_(She can’t let the moment pass her by again.)_

The next time Kara brings donuts over, Lena decides, she’ll mention that new dumpling truck. Offer to get dinner.

See what happens.

_After all, part of being a Luthor is creating opportunities...and seizing them._

**Author's Note:**

> So this is not my usual neighborhood, but I had the idea for the story and it just kinda happened. :) Hopefully I did Lena justice here. Would love to hear what people thought of this!


End file.
